Nondirection

I have waited a long time to do this.

I haven't been able to write about things that circulate through my thoughts in so long that it feels like it has been eating me alive.

I used to write on a blog site called Opendiary.com

I had many friends on there, and I could write and hear the thoughts of others without discrimination from a biased view from being a part of my real life.

I'm more depressed than I have ever been. Life has been a pursuit of success with a long list of failed attempts. I realize you have to quit to fail, but I have felt the draw of allure to the idea of quitting, because the simplicity of the answer stands solid.

I'm better than that in my own belief. I feel that I carry so much of a burden for the worries of what I would leave undone and behind me, that there isn't a way for me to just cut ties to this world. You throw in the bargain basket of being a Christian losing his passage to heaven because of his weakness for drama in life, and you got a bad recipe for guilt of an unchangeable action.

Honestly, I look forward in hope for better times than these. I live surrounded by talk of the end of the world in countless different possibilities. I live in the presence of the end times biblically, and yet, life is full of ways it could end on it's own without a big grand scheme ending.

I am at this moment depressed because I have a daughter, who I feel like I've failed just by bringing her into this world with a woman who holds hatred for me, simply for the fact that I complicate her life by demanding responsibility for our child. It's a backwards ass world when you gotta leave your kid with the irresponsible parent for a system broken in judgement by choices of a past culture dragged to the current times.

I am fighting legal battles in 3 different areas of my life, and then I threw the icing on the cake when I decided to start dating a girl because she has an insane face value cover to desire after. The girl is insanely beautiful. There's things about her character that you cannot help but want. She is smart, clever, funny, beautiful, witty, professional and crafty, and capable, as well as responsible, respectful, and well loved by those around her. What does that translate into when I get thrown in the picture? Complicated.

Apparently I've discovered that I'm in her words "Lovey Dovey" and it kills me that she just went from on to off without so much as a sign to go by. I know I've heard a thousand times (quite possible that it could be a literal figure by now.) that women are crazy. I know that three days before hearing it, she told me that her mother said she had never seen a man look at her how I do. She shared photos and stories with me. She is the one who initiated getting comfortable, holding hands, caressing, and getting comfortable and romantic on our last day together. So... where does a few text messages telling her that I missed her company, and a goodnight with literally a couple xx's and oo's translate to lovey dovey?

It sucks... because she just started giving me the one liner brush off messages over this idea that I'm somehow being too soft. I mean, I'm not triple H but I definitely am not soft by any means. I figured I was being more along the lines of pleasant and sweet, being as how well things were going between us, so to have it thrown out there in a different light, just wrecked my happy little joyride in the midst of so much stress.

It doesn't hold any water that I'm lovey dovey in that sense, cause I'm a fucking game nerd. I play video games and sports. I'm not writing poems and painting walls for fun. I'm shooting people in Modern Warfare and calling 15 year old trash talkers little homebag bitches cause I can. Fuck if being a nicer guy cause I feel good about someone is a bad thing, maybe I should join the throngs of people who take pride in being dicks.

I got enough problems in my life, I really don't need another one. 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. I was fucking close to that pity fo sho!